Motherhood
My aunt and uncle with my little cousin
Growing up there were 2 things I’ve always wanted to be, a teacher and a mother. Now as a far as that teacher role goes I feel like I never became the official teacher. However I’ve been a TA, a camp counselor, dance teacher and even have been a version of a teacher for my coaching clients. So looking at that job, I’ve fulfilled it to some extent. And even past that, I feel like at my early age, I’ve been a teacher of life to a few. Now motherhood…
Scrolling through my facebook timeline seeing promotions, engagements and of course the pregnancy announcements. Seeing “my baby ain't a baby no more”, and said baby is about 6 years old. As a non holding child I think, so if it’s not your baby, what is it?
When you're in your teens, you're told to not have a baby because you are still a baby. Understandable. When you're in your twenties, you're told to enjoy it because you won’t get this time back because you're still discovering who you are. Got it. But when you're in your thirties and late thirties at that, you are then asked, “why don't you have any kids?” Now when the fuck was I supposed to do that? But also, who the hell is this man I am supposed to have, said baby with?
Mom 8 months pregnant with my sister
There are so many factors that come into play when it comes to having a baby, but sometimes you truly wonder, especially in your late thirties, a series of questions:
Am I supposed to even have a baby?
When will I have a baby
Who is this father [spouse]
Will I pass on any trauma I might have
Do I want to have a child in this very crazy time that we are living in
Do I want to have a child in this very colorist/racist world that we live in
Will my child even like me or will I even like my child
But there are other questions that also need to be asked
Can I have children at this age
Would I die trying to give birth to my child because of the black birth statistics
Will my child be special needs because of possible complications
Can I find a doctor that I trust to listen and support me
What does my community look like when I have this child
Do I want to adopt?
Do I want to have a baby on my own?
No one ever really prepares you, not only, to possibly never have the thing you’ ve wanted the most, but to then come to terms with it. Yes there is always the option of freezing my eggs, but there is also a massive price tag that comes with that option. Why is it that we can’t get that option financially covered since we were the “responsible ones” and waited.
I always did say, that should I never find a husband, I would adopt. But in the times we are living in, I barely make enough to just support myself [I know more is coming, but just speaking specifically where I am in my life currently]. And I also think, adoption is not easy, not that it ever was. To take in a child, no matter the age, and teach them about life but also to learn about their culture so you can also teach them. Its a beautiful undertaking that you truly must be prepared for, and honestly I am not there.
Sometimes I daydream about what life as a mom to be would look and feel like. Morning sickness, watching your body change, feeling the baby move, that first kick [alien looking and all], all the things I mourn a bit because I genuinely don’t know if I will get the chance. Just looking at some of my friends and seeing these little human beings that look like them, act like them, and have these big personalities that are also their own, a beautiful heartbreak
Me [1 or 2 yrs old], Mom [36 or 37 yrs old] , and my sister [3 or 4yrs old]
Looking at my own mother and thinking, damn I really just took your face, and ran with it. Yet also knowing at my age she was taking care of 2 kids [a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old], pretty much on her own, while still learning the english language. Yet, my current two kids are my plants Jade and Ruby, which I just got good at being a plant mom [2 yrs now], hella proud but also side eyeing myself for not doing better sooner.
When it all comes down to it, I have to be honest with myself as well. Not only is the question, do I want a baby and am I prepared for it? But also, am I ready to sacrifice the life and lifestyle I currently have to have one. My body wakes me up at its own clocked timing, and I have a schedule mainly consumed with work, friends, and whatever my choosing; My money belongs to me, my bills and any other adulting activities I choose. And I know what a quiet house sounds like on an eternal basis, if I want.
I know I still have time but honestly..
How do I celebrate a life that is completely mine to live, while still mourning a child that has never been brought to life?
